Friday, December 23, 2011

Food preparation tip....


I thought maybe it would be very appropriate to share an important food preparation tip for the forth coming festivities at this time of the year. I read about this tip from the Art of Dharma blog. They aren't the only one who had talked about this, I had heard about the same thing from several other sources in the past as well (one other source is from Reverend Jing Kung, and another source would be from a chef at a vegetarian restaurant).

What they are all saying is that when we prepare food for consumption, we pass on our energy into the food we are preparing. As the Art of Dharma blog puts it :-

"If a woman could see the sparks of light going forth from her fingertips when she is cooking, and the energy that goes into the food she handles, she would realize how much of herself she imbues into the meals that she prepares for her family and friends."

Basically, what this is saying is as we prepare the food, we bless/enchant the food with our energy. So, if you feel sad, upset, angry, or any gamut of negative emotions at all, that goes into the food that you prepare. And those who ingested the food also took in all that energy. That energy is like a form of slow acting "poison" to all of us. I don't think there is any need to explain what does poison do to our physical body. But I can offer an example that poisonous emotion such as hate can cause cancer (You can either choose to believe it, or not. There is no scientific proof to this claim, only theoretical proof. Negative emotions causes stress, stress causes the release of hormones into our body. Long term exposure to these hormones can wreck havoc with our immune system. That is a scientifically proven fact. It is also known that stress causes our bodies both inside and outside to age prematurely. Oxidation is a form of aging, and the health community has been harking over the taking of anti-oxidants to help slow or prevent the oxidation of any carcinogens or free radicals that are already in the body. And we know that carcinogens can trigger cancer given the right conditions, therefore prolonged exposure to negative emotions can possibly lead to cancer, or some other type of stress related illness.)

Conversely, if during preparation of the food, you were feeling happy, blessed, loved, or any form of positive and healthy emotion, you are essentially blessing the food with positive energy for the recipients of your dishes. Those who ingest the food will also feel better, not to mention it will also be tastier.

In short, dear readers, when you do prepare food for others or yourself, do it with a light heart. Do it with much love, respect, happiness, peace, and compassion, so that those who come to eat your food would feel it too and be touched by it.

Thursday, December 15, 2011

Do we really know what "LOVE" is ?


Let me share a short story here, which for all intensive purposes maybe a true story that happened many years ago, before any readers of this blog was even born.

In a distant land, nestled within the cradle of a range of mountains, rests an idyllic agrarian village that seemed many times removed from the outside world. The houses were mostly made out of rocks, mud, sticks, and hay. The village was by no means small, and quite highly populated. At the base of the closest mountain sits a building that was more grand than the rest of the village. The building was made out of timber and stones, with white clay used as plaster for the walls. It was taller and more ornately designed and decorated than any other building in the village. This was the village temple dedicated to the Earth Spirit that was said to roam the area. In this temple lived the priest who takes care of the temple, who offers comfort and advise to all the visitors and devotees. Much peace can be felt from within the walls of this temple. In fact this temple was built to cater to those villagers or visitors who find it too hard and arduous a climb up to the Grand Temple of the Earth Spirit that was at the end of a long winding path that starts right behind the temple.

The path to the Grand Temple was a winding long path to walk/climb, yet many devotees make that journey once a year on a specific time period of the year to visit it. To those who make that journey, they are rewarded with a beautiful view of the land. A sweeping view of the village and all the activities that happens within it; and a view of the surrounding mountain range as far as the eye could see. The special feast for the eye came in the form of a Grand Temple built out entirely of marble and timber, complete with brightly colored clay roofing tiles. A marble wall fenced the main temple itself. Auspicious celestial animals, and cloud symbols adorn the wall as carvings. The temple was easily several houses tall with huge pillars made out of great tree trunks as main supports for the Grand Temple. The floor was paved with huge slabs of white marble. The walls of the temple were also made out of white marble with carvings very similar to the marble wall outside the temple. In the grand hall of the temple stands the statue of the purported Earth Spirit who wonders amongst the people to bring peace, and love to all. Perhaps this building was built in appreciation to this very spirit for bringing many many generations of peace to all who lived in the village. Yet, no one lives within the walls of this Grand Temple, but the entire building remains spotlessly clean, as if it had a cleaning crew who does the cleaning everyday. Perhaps, this is another of the Spirit's manifestation of his divine powers.

Every year the path to the Grand Temple would be decorated with streamers and lanterns in celebration that it is yet time again to pay the temple a visit with offerings. Like every other year, the path would be packed with people streaming up slowly from the village. The village temple would be packed as well with many devotees and visitors. This year a lonely old man who is dressed like any other villager, wanders up the path towards the Grand Temple with his gnarled staff for support. We walks very slowly as if he had to drag his foot up the path one at a time reluctantly. His face showed an expression of sadness and reluctance. He would let out a sigh every few steps of the way, not because he was tired. Everyone else hurried around him on their way up the temple. There he sees many mothers with kids in tow making their way up to the temple. Kids would skip happily up the path, while many grown ups would bring some offerings to the temple. When this old man had reached the mouth of the temple compound, he stopped for a very long while. He turned around to survey the beautiful scenery before him, and spied the devotees streaming up the path towards the temple. He flashed a half smile with an expression of content showing on his face, but his eyes was starting to water up. As devotees streamed passed him, everyone would greet him with a smile and a half bow to show respect to an elderly. Some would even come shake his hand. The longer the old man stood at the entrance to the compound, the more he seemed reluctant to enter. He kept shaking his head from time to time with teary eyes at all that was going on around as he spied the entire scene. Finally, he turned towards the temple to take his last step into the temple.

As the old man entered the compound the Grand Temple, all the people that was around him disappeared. The temple was suddenly enveloped in a light mist. His tattered old clothes was suddenly transformed into into grand ornately decorated robes in gold. His head was suddenly adorned with some head gear that looked fit of the emperor of china himself. The only thing that remained the same was the gnarled staff still in his hands. His whole body is now covered with a faint golden aura that emanates peace and compassion. The Grand Temple looked even grander now, decorated in all manners of precious gems and gold trimmings, just devoid of any other devotees. Still standing in the same spot as he took his last step, he gripped his staff tightly and looked down as the first earth rumbling was heard. Tears were now streaming out from his eyes uncontrollably.

A terrible and devastating earthquake has just gripped the idyllic village town. Falling stones from the mountain side would fall and crush some devotees on the path, the buildings in the village all topple one by one burying all that were unable to get out. Some of the buildings were crushed by the huge boulders that toppled off the mountain face. After the thunderous roar from the angry earth, came the loud wails and cries of the survivors of the quake. As the last of the stone fell to the ground, the Earth Spirit turned to rush out of the temple compound to see what had happened to the people whom he had loved and cherished for such a longtime. As he peered through the mist covered surrounding to the valley below, he cried even louder as if to try and drown out the loud wails of the survivors. "Why did this happened? You were supposed to be here to protect us! Why?! .... sob...." As he heard those words, he sobbed even more uncontrollably. A disembodied voice then spoke to the Earth Spirit, "You know it needed to happen." The Earth Spirit then replied, "but they could have all been saved from this suffering if I had not left the location. I only needed to be present! It wasn't that hard to be just THERE!" Again the voice said "In order for these people to ascend further, it has to happen, and you know it." "Even though that maybe so, it still hurts a lot, and does not make it any better." "Be comforted to know that even though it may cause you pain, but you have saved many times more souls than you could have by remaining there. You loved them enough to leave them and let it all happened, so they could all become better. See past your hurt and rejoice at their ascension." With much sadness, the Earth Spirit departed from that plane of existence.


I shall let you the reader decipher what you think the moral behind the story is. Thank you very much for reading this far, and I hope it was as much therapeutic and enlightening for you as it was for me.

Tuesday, November 22, 2011

"Death" my old friend, it has been a longtime....



I was messing around with my Tarot cards to try and establish a sort of a link with it. You see, each card has its own meaning, by definition, and the meaning established by the owner of the cards. So what I was trying to do with each card was to look at each card to see what each of them meant to me personally. When it was the turn of the death I started crying because I missed Death, my dear old good friend. I cried because I have not seen him/her for a very very long time. So those were tears of joy. Happy to see a dear old friend again. But what I did not get were :-

1. How come Death is my dear old friend? Has this got anything to do with the past life when Anubis was consoling me as I spied a city being destroyed?

2. When most people fear Death and are apprehensive with this card; how come I feel the opposite? I felt so comfortable with him/her, even though his cloak was not made out the most comfortable material yet I didn't mind. I didn't mind him putting his bony hands and arms around my shoulder to hug me. I didn't mind how he looked. I could see and feel the joy in his "eyes" when he saw me too, and I felt the same way. The way he looked I thought I would at least have some sort of fear or apprehension, but instead I felt none of that but the total opposite of it happened. The best way I could describe it was two dear old friend who saw each other after being apart for a very long time.

Maybe what all that was trying to tell me were :-

1. All things are impermanent, they are all transitory. Nothing remains the same forever, everything changes from minute to minute, second to second, micro-second to micro-second, etc. Embrace it!

2. Death is not the end. Death can be the beginning. Death is transformation. Death transforms what is old into the new, like the Phoenix rising out of the ashes of its old body.

But most of all, Death is inevitable, it happens to all things. All things born to this material plane will eventually die. It is only a question of time. But with "death" a new life springs forth from its remains. The body turns to dust, the dust can then be used to nourish a new life, food for a new seed, or nourishment for another life. Death, you truly are a dear old friend.

Saturday, November 5, 2011

Why can't my eyes see myself ?


This was the question that was asked in a conversation with a friend.

Me : What do you think the answer is ?
Friend :When I ask myself that question all I see is this lone white flower in a field.

Me :What do you think it means ?
Friend :Drawing a blank here.

Me :What do you think will happen if that flower can see itself ?
Friend :Too absorbed with marveling its own beauty.

Me :So do you see what it all means ?
Friend :No, not really.

The flower's beauty exists, because those who see it would exclaim its beauty. If the flower could see itself as being so beautiful, it might cease to become as beautiful anymore due to neglect (too busy marveling at its own beauty and forgetting that "beauty" is only relative, and can only be conferred upon by others, not the self. As a result, neglecting its responsibility to be a beautiful flower for all to admire and appreciate).

In other words, we cannot see ourselves, because it serves to remind us that we are not important when compared to everyone and everything else around us. It is everyone and everything around us that gives our existence meaning. "I" exist because "you" and everything around me exist.

Wednesday, September 21, 2011

How do I know when I am being stupid ? (edited)

I was talking to a friend over online chat (real life friend tho, not virtual), and we started talking about preventing bad things from happening in life, and taking steps to prevent it. Living by the code of "prevention is better than cure." My reaction to that was, I used to be like that, always wanting to see the future so that I can know all the bad things that is going to happen and move around it. It is also one of the biggest reasons why I was so interested in the occult, tarot cards, and divination. As I understood the law of cause and effect, and about karma, that sort of just went by the way side. I told her that we cannot hope to be able to foresee all consequences and control the outcomes, so that the outcomes is as anticipated, or as desired.

As mere humans, we cannot see past our present lifetime, some of us cannot see past our nose. Our journey (soul journey) into this world has been planned since before the day we were born. We planned it together with our guardian angel/s, so that we will have enough resources to go through what we need to go through to learn what we need to learn. We created our own trials and tribulations in order to gain wisdom, so the next time something bad happens instead of saying "why me?" maybe we should ask "what do I take away from all this?" Always remember we are like Avatars in an MMORPG (basically, a character in a Massively Multiplayer Online Role Playing Game, like World of Warcraft). Dying is like deleting that character online, and being born is like starting a new character. The controller playing the game still lives no matter what happens.

When you understand that completely, you begin to see the wisdom of letting things go and go with the flow of things. Things happen for a reason. Past karmic debts need to be repaid in full. So when someone slights you, or does something that pisses you off, tell yourself that its karmic debt being repaid, and "I should be thankful !"

"Does that mean that I should go ahead and do stupid things and let stupid things happen to me ?" That is a loaded question. If you need to do something, even though its going to be stupid but it "needs" to be done anyways, and you at the same time are fully aware of the stupid consequences that will happen, then do it. BUT if you don't know that, then you would not know that it is stupid anyways, and would not be aware of its consequences either. So the choice is still up to you at that point.

Then the big question, "how would I know that I am being stupid?" To that I say, you are stupid when you don't know what you are doing; you are not when you know that its stupid and aware of the consequences, but still do it anyways. However, this does not mean that you should go ahead and do all the stupid things anyways knowing that it is going to have stupid consequences. It also depends on your intentions. For example, know that banging your head against the wall will give you a bump on your head, and hurt like hell, but still going ahead to do it is still just being plain stupid. A positive example here would be a story heard from Reverend Jing Kung.

Lets call this random monk Reverend Kong (this is a fictitious name, he does not exist. Any similarity will just be a coincidence). He is one of the monks residing in this big ornate temple. A lay follower, call him Lenny (again a fictitious name who does not exist in real life. Any similarity will just be a coincidence) usually visits the monk every once in a while to ask for financial assistance. Now, the monk knew full well that he was being scammed, every time Lenny visits him. But he allowed it to happen anyways. He hopes that in so doing, one day Lenny's conscience would spur him into realizing his follies, and repent on his own accord. Everyone around the monk would definitely say the monk was just too dumb to say "No!" But that is not being stupid, it is called being compassionate and having great patience. If giving some money away will save Lenny's soul, bring Lenny wisdom, lighten Reverend Kong's karmic debt, and enlighten Lenny eventually at the same time; that is a worthy sacrifice.

Thursday, September 8, 2011

Soul Journey (edited)

Your soul journey is a plan you have made before the time of your birth that maps out the trials and tribulations that you will have to go through in order to become more enlightened, or ascend to a higher spiritual level. Below are some information that goes into some details about it, I hope that it would help you on your journey/s.

(Note: I got the information below from this website and thought I would share it. The entire information is available there on the page if you would like to read it in its entirety. I clipped the parts which I thought were interesting to me.)

The more contact you make with your soul, the more the soul will infuse your personality. What are the advantages?
  • Your soul mission becomes clear.
  • You commit to your soul mission and take the first steps toward living it.
  • Your soul takes you in hand, guides, and trains you.
  • Ideas for action arise from your soul; they prove true and reliable.
  • These ideas are conveyed by a quiet inner voice, an intuition, or a strong urge to act.
  • As well, there are clues for what to do which you learn to recognize and follow.
  • You are guided to situations, information, and people who help you fulfill your mission.
  • When you complete one mission, you will be guided to the next.
  • You are amazed! Your soul knows things you have no way of knowing.
  • Your life becomes an adventure; you are taking steps into the unknown.
  • You become humble; you depend on guidance from your soul.
  • You become strong; if you are asked to do something that challenges you, help is present.
  • Increasingly, your soul directs your life.
  • You meet your soul group; you carry a piece of the puzzle for work you will do together.
  • You implement a small part of a great plan that lives in the mind of the Spiritual Hierarchy, the Masters of Wisdom who oversee the wellbeing of our planet.
  • You are grateful.

How do you know you are in contact with your soul, and not with an astral entity posing as your soul?

  • Ideas from your soul arise quietly and work when you act upon them.
  • If there is fanfare or strong emotion, it is not your soul.
  • Your soul leads you one step at a time, so you learn and your commitment is tested.
  • If you are given the big, overall picture it is not your soul.
  • If your free will is compromised; if something wants to impose on you actions that don't seem right, it is not your soul.
  • If you are urged to hurry, to act immediately it is not your soul.
  • If you do not have the financial resources to enact the plan, it is not from your soul.
  • If your personality is inflated or is enticed with money, power, or sex it is not your soul.
  • If your mission makes you humble, loving, pure, harmonious it is from your soul.
  • If it relieves the pain and distress of your fellow man it is from your soul.
  • If it teaches and brings understanding to your fellow man it is from your soul.

What keeps you committed to your soul mission?

  • You strengthen your will and intention to live your soul mission.
  • You gain the freedom to persist and complete your mission.
  • You commit to a daily meditation practice and a life that includes silence and solitude.
  • You realize a much sought after peaceful emotional and mental life.
  • Your health improves because you get regular exercise, eat a proper diet, and sleep soundly.
  • You can distinguish between the demands of your soul and of your personality.
  • More and more, your soul guides your life.
  • You develop an inquiring mind.
  • You keep yourself well-informed about world events.
  • You learn to stay emotionally detached as world events unfold.
  • You are able to concentrate and easily ward off distractions.
  • You achieve the ability to march to the beat of your own drum.
  • You are willing to be of service.
  • Your life fills with Love.

What holds you back or leads you off track?

  • A stress filled, frenzied life
  • Lack of solitude and quiet time
  • Addiction to drugs, alcohol, food, sex, power
  • Family members, especially a spouse or partner, who do not support your soul mission
  • Friends who think you are crazy
  • Laziness, unwillingness to make the life changes your mission requires
  • Fear of the unknown
  • Being easily distracted
  • Inability to concentrate
  • Unhealthy body/ emotions/ mind
  • Noise (emotional and mental junk food):
    • Turn off your TV and radio, except for programs that inform and nurture you.
    • Turn off angry, discordant music.
    • Turn off music with inane lyrics that manipulate your mind
    • Turn off computer and video games.
    • Turn off background noise when possible.
  • Mass gatherings where emotions are ramped up, like sports events or rock concerts; these are feeding grounds for astral entities; they can attack you.
  • Astral entities posing as your soul or as a Master
  • Doubting that your soul mission is real and that the Masters exist
  • Mood swings
  • Discouragement/giving up easily
  • The need to conform
  • Money problems
  • Failure to meditate

Friday, September 2, 2011

Manage your wastages

I believe that everyone of us is put on this earth with a little bag of "prosperity". This little bag of resources is what we will be using on our soul journey this time round. You can neither have more, nor less, it is all a carefully calculated amount for your use on this trip, to some extent.

Buddhist teachings have a similar philosophy. They believe that everyone is born with a little bag of resources called "fu(2) bao(4)" in Mandarin. The amount of this little bag of resources is predestined by what you have accumulated, and your Karma from your past life/s.

In layman's terms, we can look at it as a storage bank of resources of sorts. The amount of money we have now, or will have in the future, and all our material wealth comes from this storage vault. Because this resource is very limited, hence it is very precious to all of us. When we are frugal with it, we are only taking out what we need to use. When we are generous, we give some of what we have to others, as a result we gain more (as a result of good merits accrued), and are also saving what we gave away for our own future to use at a later date. When we squander it, we are taking more out of it than we need; not only does this mean we are shrinking our own pool or resources, but we also pay out more from the bag in the end.

For example, when we order food to eat at any eating establishments, at a buffet, or even at home; we should always finish all on our plates. If we left over any food, all the effort that goes into making what was left over, including those who made it, or grew it, will be paid for from our little bank vault. That makes our little bag of resources shrink even faster.

In light of the above information, lets not waste any more resources, and leave no more morsel of food on our plates.

Thursday, August 4, 2011

Enneagram


I just bought this book “The Everything Enneagram Book” by Susan Reynolds. Some years ago when I was working at Boeing, the resident psychologist used Enneagram in our group to help everyone understand each other better. As a result, when I chanced upon this book at the bookstore I thought to myself that I just simply have to get it. And it has shown me further insights into some things, which I had thought to be the case for a while now.

The book claims that our personality is a result of wounding. As a child is growing up, he/she learns from his/her parents and the environment what works, what does not, and what hurts. This learning formulates the child’s Ego, and hence his/her personality eventually. The Ego is what Freud describes as the balancing force between the Id and the Ego. This has been described a little in a recent previous post. This is also the basis for Erikson’s Stages of Psychosocial Development. He states that as a child grows up to become an adult, he/she goes through 8 stages of challenges which the person would confront and hopefully master. For more information on this please visit here.

The book also says that there are nine different Enneatypes, or broad categories of personality (for reasons of brevity, those interested more about the Enneatypes should try googling for “Enneagram” or get a book about it to know more about the different Enneatypes). These 9 different types can be further generalized as having 3 main centers of intelligence – Affective, Theoretical, and Effective. (Note: I take no credit for the snips immediately following this paragraph, they are taken directly from the book)

  • Affective center : To achieve healthy, perfect union with others, the universe, and with spirit; to understand the stages of human development that create maturity and wholeness.
  • Theoretical center : To develop creative vision and open you up to the real meaning of life; to be fully conscious of the true nature of self and others.
  • Effective center : to motivate and energize you to actively live your life as it was intended-according to your true purpose and vision; to actively create and complete the work you are meant to do.

These were the abilities afforded us by nature, but unfortunately the book goes on to lament that we “limp along married to the illusion” that we are just fine. And that most of our problems are generated externally. Thus, we inappropriately use these centers of intelligence to as follows (Note: I take no credit for the snips immediately following this paragraph, they are taken directly from the book) :-

  • Affective : To manipulate your-and others’-way of feeling, including emotions within relationships
  • Theoretical : To think, plot, and make intellectual decisions limited to our narrowly defined universe.
  • Effective : To protect and preserve our physical body and achieve our basic needs, no matter the cost to others.

These “perversions” has such a knell of truth about them that I cannot help but want to share this information. Long time readers of this blog will probably remember a few previous postings along this same line of thought. It feels eerie and scary, but it is the truth.

Sunday, June 26, 2011

A mirror of our inner world


A good friend once told me in a casual conversation that our exterior world (world around us) is actually a mirror of our inner world. What that is saying is that the way we perceive the world around us is a reflection of the way we think, or the way we are, internally (our inner self). I have been reminded by this little morsel of truth not once but definitely more than twice. Reverend Jing Kung when he was explaining the meaning of the Surangama Sutra, and the Lotus Sutra has said it more than once in both of the recordings. Before some readers cry religious connotations here, let me reassure you it is not. Just think back about how you are feeling and look around you. I can give some example of my personal experiences. When I feel stressed, for example when mugging for the final exams, my room is a reflection of how I am feeling inside. I have stacks of papers, and textbooks, and reference books stacked hastily in all corners of my room. My desk is a mess, like a mini hurricane Katrina just visited. When I am enjoying my term breaks, my room is neat and tidy. When I feel depressed, the whole world is against me. When I feel betrayed, I prefer to sit in a darkened room (the world is dark), and I feel alone.

To expand this a little further, I cannot help but bring up the father of Psychoanalysis – Sigmund Freud. Freudian psychology talks a lot about the Id, Ego, and the Superego. The Id is our portion of the mind that operates on the “pleasure principle”. The Superego is the moralistic component of the psyche. And the Ego is the component that tries to balance the drives of the Id and the moralistic principals of the Superego. When the Ego is either overburdened, or threatened by its tasks, it employs defensive mechanisms such as Repression, Reaction Formation, Projection, Sublimation, Rationalisation, and Conversion. Below is an explanation of provided in the textbook for my psychology course (Buskist, William., Carlson, Neil R. & Martin G Neil. (2007) Psychology (3rd ed) Massachusetts, USA : Peason Education Limited)

Repression is responsible for actively keeping threatening or anxiety-provoking memories from our conscious awareness. For example, a person may have witnessed a brutal murder but cannot recall it later because of the uncomfortable emotions it would arouse.

Reaction Formation involves replacing an anxiety-provoking idea with its opposite. For example, a person who is aroused and fascinated by pornographic material becomes a crusader against pornography. The crusader will often study the salacious material to see just how vile it is so that they can better educate other about its harmful nature.

Projection involves denial of one’s own unacceptable desires and the discovery of evidence of these desires in the behavior of other people. For example, a man who is experiencing a great deal of hostility may perceive the world as being full of people who are hostile to him.

Sublimation is the diversion of psychic energy from an unacceptable drive to an acceptable one. For example, a person may feel strong sexual desire but find its outlet unacceptable because of internalized prohibitions. As a result, finds another outlet such as artistic or other creative activities.

Rationalization is the process of inventing an acceptable reason for a behavior that is really being performed for another, less acceptable reason. For example, a man who feels guilty about his real reason for purchasing a pornographic magazine may say, “I don’t buy the magazine for the pictures. I buy it to read the interesting and enlightening articles it contains.”

Conversion is the provision of an outlet for intrapsychic conflict in the form of a physical symptom. The conflict is transformed into blindness, deafness, paralysis, or numbness. For example, a person might develop blindness so that they will no longer be able to see a situation that arouses a strong, painful intrapsychic conflict. (This is also known as somatoform disorder)

When we see someone exhibiting a behavior that irks us, it is quite possibly a behavior that we ourselves have which we are trying to exorcise; or it could be also be a trigger for one of our denials.

A denial is something that causes us anxiety which we have not given ourselves enough time to deal with it (Repression in my opinion). For example, maybe your favorite aunt passed away 5 years ago which you did not get to see her at her death bed, you heard that she was asking for you before she left this world. You just could not get a flight out to her in time. One fine day, a friend brings you some delicious strawberry cheesecake for you and you start sobbing uncontrollably. Your favorite aunt makes the best strawberry cheesecake you have ever tasted. As a result, you might hate your friend for it, or love her to pieces for it, depending on the situation.

These are what Freud terms as transference. We transfer our negative/positive feelings about a behavior which we have, or might have, in ourselves onto someone else. Counter-transference happens when the person whom those feelings are transferred onto reacted to that feeling. So the next time you experience something like this, remember to thank that person for bringing that into light, so that you may now be able to set aside some time to reflect on it.

Sunday, May 15, 2011

The need for control

All of us grew up with parents (or guardians in some cases) around us to take care of our basic needs, and disciplining us when we do something wrong. As babies they feed us, and hold us to allow us to feel loved. Honestly, babies are so cute, who in their right mind could do anything else but love, cuddle, and take care of them. Come to think of it, that is a baby’s most powerful, and only weapon of defense. As a baby we can do no wrong, that is as long as the parental units still think that you cannot understand their language properly yet. Little or no attempt will be made at disciplining.

Things get a little bit different as the baby grows up, starts to walk, and talk. When the baby can start answering simple questions in somewhat coherent sentences, that’s when things start to change. Parents begin their disciplinary phase. They try to teach the still maturing baby what is right, and what is wrong, the best way they know how. Unfortunately for some, the baby grew up and learns our way of life and what is morality; but the parents remain stuck in that disciplinarian mind set.

We grow up with this need to control ingrained into all of us. We are taught as babies to behave in a certain way by the adults who take care of us. As such, when it is our turn to take care of other babies we impart that same set of skills to them (this is the same reason research has shown that children who were abused tend to abuse their own children later). Social learning theory tells us that babies learn through observation. They learn how to interact with us through the way we interact with him/her, as well as with the way we interact with others around him/her (ie. Interaction with other family members or friends). Through the babies’ observation, they learn about our need to control.

We discipline the baby in order to try and control his/her behavior. When he behaves counter to our expectations, he either gets a lecture, or is disciplined. When he behaves in an expected manner he gets lavished with praises, and sometimes rewards. Even though, we do not explicitly teach the baby how to control, he/she is smart enough to learn that we are trying to control their behavior, and that in order for him/her to be able to control other’s behavior that is the same thing they should do. Have you ever noticed that if a baby likes you he often shares his toys with you, and when he doesn’t like you he snatches his toy away from you when you try to touch it. That is his/her meager attempt at trying to communicate, as well as controlling his/her immediate environment.

We grow up learning the need to control. As parents/guardians, we need to control the behavioral output of our babies, whether if it was to toilet train them, or to have them behave according to our expectations so that it would be easier to care for them. As working adults, we have an incessant need to control our environment, so that they can function according to our demands, and produce the expected output. Is there any wonder why so many of us are depressed, or suffer a myriad of other psychological disorders resulting from the inability to control some outcomes? Can we all not see that this is not something we have any control over? Furthermore, sadly for some of us, we simply refuse to grow out of the disciplinary phase and still insist on disciplining, or “mothering”, our children who is already a young adult or beyond; again our need to control our offspring so that they become what we think they should be. Again, can we all not understand that trying to exert control over our offspring’s destinies is an exercise in futility?

It is very unfortunate that we have to inculcate into our infants the need for control. This little piece of information was brought to light by Reverend Jing Kung as he was expounding on the Lotus Sutra. I was very much surprised when I heard about it. But what he said does have a ring of truth to what is happening in our society. We teach our children the need to control. Our children then grow up with the need to control their environment. In school, there is the need to control what grades they get. At work, there is the need to obtain the desired outcome by trying to control the input variables. Some examples of this include but are not limited to the marketing strategies to increase sales, the clever wording of unfavorable information to make it palatable to everyone, or limiting the release of information (whether through omission or other means) to make it sound more convincing to its audience. What all this is saying is that our society today is based very much on the need to control. This need to control is borne out of the craving for personal gains (ie. Greed and selfishness).

What if, we can bring up our kids and teach them how to treat everyone around them with respect, and teach them that what we want is not that important if it is done so at the expense of another’s suffering; and to do so without ever having to resort to disciplining them (remember kids learn through observation, and interaction). Can you imagine what the society would be like if it were all made up of these people, when the kids have all grown up? Well, I can’t but one thing is for sure though; if such a society does exist, then it will definitely experience a lot less problems than what our society is experiencing currently.